All I ask for is death in sleep. Many people have walked on the same path earlier. Many fortunate may have died in their sleep. But on this path, there won’t be any footprints to guide. Every time the path becomes new. I never asked at birth – what will be the ‘Life’ like? The life revealed itself for me. Similarly, I shall never ask at death – What will be the ‘death’ like? It will reveal itself for me. I shall wait eternally in my death, for the death to reveal itself for me. Looking at the exciting prospects of death, I can guarantee that death will be more intoxicating than all powerful drugs and life put together!
It took over 56 years of life to understand myself. In my childhood parents became very important. I did everything to please them. Their approval was victory & disapproval, a defeat. By the time I reached the High school, friends, studies, movies, romance became my life line. I lived for them, thrived on them. They became my life!
Coming first in everything I do (the stupidest thing I did in life), success, securing a good job with huge income, good & beautiful & rich wife, constructing a house, a good car, nice bank balance… and a secured topspot in my life. As I sit to retrospect, I can see my childhood, youth, marriage, and career… everything together in a single moment.
I have slowed down. Realized that I was and probably I am the foolish human ever born. How can I have competition with others? Why am I taught to come first in everything I do? What will happen if all others get government job with huge monthly salary & car and I do not get? Why should my parents feel bad if I do not secure the top rank? I wish I had asked these and many more similar questions. I could have kept my sanity had I asked. In retrospect I feel I have wasted 56 years of life doing every stupid thing that a human mind can ever conceive! Today I sit here and watch with remorse the life wasted! I realize that I have no competition with anyone; I need not come first in everything I do. Majority of times, I do not feel like doing anything at all, let alone coming first!
I have distanced myself from family, children, money and fame. My life will be as happy as it ever can be, even if I do not have all the things said above. I am not turning religious. Religion has nothing to do with what I think. Religion is a bottomless pit; it keeps sucking you into it. It won’t let you live a peace! Hence while discarding religion, I ensured to kill the God. I have murdered Him this morning. After His death, I came to know from my informers in heaven, God was sent to Hell! Let him enjoy his stay there, forever! What He ever gave over centuries is but hell in the guise of hope to all my ancestors. They lived and died hoping against hope that He will save them. No God came to save humanity. It suffered silently. Hence Hell is a lesser punishment to God! I cannot give him a better place than hell to suffer far that much alone I can ever conceive! Hence, I am not religious or philosophical.
What do I wish myself every day, especially before I go to bed? If 2+2 were 5 and the God does exist in an unseen asbestosis world called hell, what will I ask Him? To put it differently, what I want for self? I am selfish man to the core. All I can ever ask is for me. I will never ask for others. Why the hell should I ask for others or to help others? Let them F**k themselves.
Immanuel’s Kant’s Categorical Imperative/the Universal Principal is: “Act only according to that maxim whereby you can at the same time will that it should become a universal law”. This cannot be true when you learn what I wish myself every day before I sleep. I do not mind accepting the Categorical Imperative as true, but others will have greatest objection to it.
I wish every night before I go to bed that I should die peacefully while I am asleep. All I want is in this residue life is sleep, dreamless sleep, sound sleep & eternal sleep. What I wish for myself, you do not want me to wish for others. I am wishing death for self. Can I wish that for you? I wish death in sleep every day for self. My new life begins if I open my eyes the next morning. Every sunrise is a birthday; Every sunrise is my youth and every sunset is my old age.
The world will die and with the world all others in the world too will die, if I do not open my eyes next morning. Thus, the world is ending every moment, with the death of each human being. The God is also dying every moment with the death of a person. Thus, He has been dying every day without any eternal prospect of coming back. Similarly with the death of one individual the entire humanity dies, every day. How stupid it is then to think of leaving a ‘better world’ to future generations? With the death of one individual, the entire future generations have died. There is no continuity. And if you wish to attribute continuity to the world, it is your peril.
About the Author
Dr. K. Raja Gopal Reddy is a seasoned internationally qualified Insurance professional.
What you are reading here, may not answer all the questions we have, but has the absolute power of asking unsettling questions which increase the interest in the strange world, and show the contradictory wonders lying just below the surface of the commonest things of life. Look at this disturbing but beautiful thought of Friedrich Nietzsche “God is dead. God remains dead. And we have killed him”.
Dr. Reddy can be reached at: raja66gopal@gmail.com
