I ask myself this question – How am I – quite often. It is already 5 decades since birth! Life flew! Life is so short, so swift, so fast – I did not know how these 5 decades have passed. When I was 10 years old, I looked up at my father who was around 35 years – I thought Oh god! 35 years! He is too old! 35 years – for that matter 25 years looked distant, very far and very remote. I was sure that I can never become 25 years old quickly! I was equally sure that somehow I will remain forever 10 years and my father will continue to become old!
When my parents told – drink milk you get energy and you can defeat anybody in the world – I believed them. I drank lots of milk. I had the unshakable confidence that if I were to face a tiger, I can kill it with bare hands! Studies and facing academic examinations made me to believe in God. That’s how I was. I prayed to God that if I get distinction, I will visit his shrine, offer Laddoos and will donate money to the temple! That’s how I was.
I sincerely believed that I was the most intelligent, handsomest and desirable man in the world. That’s how I was.
From drinking milk to kill a tiger, from believing in God, from boring academic studies, initially exciting and later undesirable marriage, having children, working and promotions, earning more money, settling children, saving for a rainy day etc., in these activities I forgot to see how the life would look like. I forgot to live! I do not know how it will be to live.
I can only wish now – rather than concentrating on all these stupid useless activities, I regret not having lived life. Today I realize – there is no tomorrow. There is no rainy day. If there is anything that is certain – it is only today, here, now. I realize that planning for tomorrow is a futile activity…tomorrow is does not exist. Infinite permutations and combinations. No plan is complete; no plan is correct. Yet I made plans for a rainy day; saved money for a rainy day in this process made the banker rich. Do you know how I measured life’s success? I measured life with bank balances, with latest technological gadgets; with the land that I own! With these things I measured a successful life! In this process, unfortunately I forgot to live!
Today I can at most describe myself as a man who forgot to live. That’s how I am. I stopped believing in god…this does not mean I am an atheist. I do not believe in god the way you believe in Rama, Krishna, Jesus etc. In the process of belief, you are giving human form to god. I do not believe in such a god. If a dog or an elephant or a horse were to conceive the notion of god, they would conceive in its own form. I believe in godliness. That’s how I am!
Generally, people jump to conclusion, when I say I do not believe in god, of my being an atheist. From one extreme they go to another extreme. At this stage of life, I believe to say life is meant to be lived fully, completely. It is like a flower – allow it to bloom. It is like a cloud in the blue sky – go as the wind takes you. Today I live for the day, for now, for here. Enjoying every aspect of life. Absorbing everything in life. That’s how I am.
What the future will bring I do not care; what will happen tomorrow I do not care… because there is no tomorrow. There is only today, now here. More clarity in mind, clarity of life and clarity of myself. When tomorrow dies, ceases to exist then there is more containment, joy and happiness. That’s how I am!