Selfishness Personified – After 120 days I ask myself about my behavior, mindset and attitude towards my father on 24th March, 2023 @ 7 am? Often I have asked this question… found the answer to be scary. Hence, I tried to put this question out of my mind. I was behaving as if I were a responsible eldest son who loved his father very much. Today I am introspecting whether I had behaved the way I should have on 24th March, 2023? Reading the following, I request you to judge me in any manner you deem fit. You don’t have to tell, I shall indubitably feel your judgment in my being, Today I stand before me naked, without inhibitions and shameless. Who cares?
1. On 24th March 2023 – Friday @ 7 am I felt it to be a burden to visit father. I debated whether I should visit at all? I can visit him in the evening was my thought. However, I got ready, dragged myself towards father’s house.
2. That day the main gate of my father’s compound was not open, latched from inside. I had to use the emergency entrance with a passkey cursing all who sleep till 8 am! I thought ‘No one bothers, why the hell should I?’. I had utter disrespect to all; my self-righteous ego was inflated.
3. I could have opened father’s house by using the rear emergency entrance. I had done it scores of times earlier, rather than calling for him. But I did not do so. I was boiling inside with inexplicable rage. I was thinking “Look! I come every morning to meet and he is still sleeping!” What a shame! Look at the love I am showering no recognition. WTF!
4. I began calling aloud ‘REDDY SAAB’ I may have called at least a dozen times! I had chosen to shout with impatience, rather than opening using the back emergency entrance.
5. After a dozen times (maybe more) of loud calling came a feeble reply from inside ‘Babu, Gopi! Please wait I am coming’! While waiting I was pacing up and down on the long walkway thinking ‘What Man! How long? How can these people sleep’?
6. 5 to 7 minutes later the main door was opened by the father. It did not occur to my stupid mind how he must have dragged himself to the door. He was breathing heavy, gasping for a lung full of fresh morning air. As soon as he saw me, he said “I am not feeling well, feeling breathless”.
7. I entered the house watched him collapse at his usual place. I walked into the hall switched on the fans, lights, and opened the doors. My thoughts were to “Let this stale air out”. While doing all this, I said aloud” Why did you get up? You should have rested. With proper rest the breathlessness will go away!” By that time he was already lying down!
8. He said weakly, ‘I do not get to see you till evening, if I miss this opportunity. Hence, I have to get up’. I replied, while sitting on the sofa “I will come in the evening as usual. We can spend more time. I will go. You rest then’. Inside I was glad not to have to spent more time! I could go back to my ‘important’ work!
9. Father insisted that I should sit. I sat as if I was on a seat of thrones. I was watching him. My inbuilt anger slowly going away. I was aware that I was looking a helpless old tiger, who never depended on others. He slept soundly for 5 minutes.
10. Suddenly he opened eyes, looked at me with satisfaction, breathing normal, asked “Was I asleep long?” I lied that it was less than a minute. ‘You are getting sleep, sleep sir, I will sit here’. In that delirious state he talked of Nookapalli house, Deepak, Kishan and bathing soap withstand.
11. It took me over 10 minutes to persuade him to sleep, switched off the light & fan at his request and left. I strongly assured him that if he rests well, eat a bit of food, and takes medicines, he would be fit as a fiddle by the evening.
12. I received a call at 8 am from my father. He said “I sent Kishan to OGH to get a prescription. The hospital authorities are asking for Aadhar Card. Kishan is standing there in the line. Can you come for a moment to send my Aadhar Card by WhatsApp?
13. In anger (anger because this call disturbed my breakfast schedule) I stormed into my father’s house. By that time, he was in his bedroom, sitting on the cot and holding a photocopy of Aadhar Card.
14. In raised voice I said ‘Don’t you know we need the original! Where did you keep it? With shaking hands, he struggled to take out the original from the pouch. As I was getting late, I had snatched the pouch from him, took the card out, send the image. I told him the work is done. He looked incredulously, asked ‘Are you sure’? I told him to call & confirm.
15. Looking at his inability to dial and due to the fact that I am getting late, I dialed the number, let him speak. He was greatly satisfied to learn of the receipt.
16. I did put few things in their respective places. The rest were slowly arranged by Father. It was 8:20 am. I told him once again that I would positively meet in the evening.
I was in a great hurry! I did not know why. There was not a single day I did not meet Father in the evenings at around 4:30 pm. I was sure that I would meet him for a cup of tea. I did not know that I am seeing him for the last time! I placed my hand on his fragile shoulder to assure of my evening visit. My behavior was deplorable. I was selfish about time & work. I ignored the expectant look in the eyes of my father pleading me to stay for some more time. He told many times of his fears of death and dying. He also told that expecting me, nobody visits him every morning and evening religiously.
He felt his life acquired a new meaning when a small house was built at his dear village. His visit to that house was his last visit to his place of birth. In retrospect, I feel guilty for not spending more time with him. He was a perfect father – laughed when I laughed; cried when I cried.
Today his houses lie neglected. Ozymandias. All his personal effects were thrown away! It is felt that with his demise, his personal effects became unusable. The grass is growing; rats & bandicoots roam freely. In the houses lovingly built by him, I stand in a corner & watch. I regret I could not become a better son. I find solace in thinking that my father lives in my very intimate memories, not in bricks & motors. I know sir, I am the undeserving son of a great father. Please give me a second chance sir.
About the Author
Dr. K. Raja Gopal Reddy is a seasoned internationally qualified Insurance professional.
What you are reading here, may not answer all the questions we have, but has the absolute power of asking unsettling questions which increase the interest in the strange world, and show the contradictory wonders lying just below the surface of the commonest things of life. Look at this disturbing but beautiful thought of Friedrich Nietzsche “God is dead. God remains dead. And we have killed him”.
Dr. Reddy can be reached at: raja66gopal@gmail.com
